[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
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When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.