[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
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[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
i hate you platonically
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Banana is the quietest snack
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them