I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
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I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I have so many questions.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.