I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
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Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
My birthstone is kidney
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day