Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
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Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Would you wear it?
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.