Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
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i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I love the National Park Service.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.