Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
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Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!