If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
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Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.