You Might Also Like
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?