me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
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I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Vodka burrito was a success
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.