Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
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Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle