It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
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There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.