Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
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My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Meowchelangelo
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.