When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
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Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
True statement👍😏😁
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.