God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
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henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Favourite diary entry ever
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.