I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
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When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
good let them take over I have had enough
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*