“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
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I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.