My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
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*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
definitely did not do anything wrong
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.