Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
You Might Also Like
A friend helps you before you need it
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
When the stylist spins you back around
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
SF is the wild wild west man
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.