Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
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[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
それは草
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.