Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
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Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
me irl
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.