Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
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My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.