Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
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My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
there has never been a better use of this meme
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
No way!
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.