I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
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I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.