ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
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Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I’m giving up ice.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line