The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
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Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*