wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
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Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
“I’m helping” 😅
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE