How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
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Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
<guitar riff>
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.