The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
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Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.