interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
You Might Also Like
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Reporter: *ports again*
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Labreador
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?