My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
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The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.