After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
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Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
that colleague who touches your screen
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine