Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
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Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
This is amazing.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
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My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.