[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
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Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil