Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…