I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
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How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
#Caturday
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”