Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
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The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream