FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
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We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.