The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
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Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you