Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
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We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite