Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
You Might Also Like
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Ion see the issue
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC