My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
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You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.