Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
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For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
this is how life feels
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.