I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
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Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying