Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
You Might Also Like
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs