“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
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Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
men are simple creatures
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
The dark side of Canada
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)