chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
hmmm
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
i choose….tongue
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.