Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
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Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
🤣
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*