Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die