8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
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From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
you have three unread messages
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf